Never Going To An Alley Again!
by UmVe
Summary: The Newsies are being plagued by Mary Sues. Can our heroes battle this evil wave of beauty and talent?
1. A Girl in The Alley

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Newsies, or any of the songs that may be featured in this lovely piece of tripe.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my first (and most likely last) Newsies' fanfic. I've been lurking around (on and off) this section for years now and I've finally gotten tired of all the Mary Sues I see. To get rid of my frustration I used the only weapon I can use, humour. Tell me what you think, should I write more?

The song that Blink is singing is from Cannibal!- The Musical. I thought it would a suitable song for this bit (besides, it was originally sang by Trey Parker's namesake).

CHAPTER 1- A GIRL IN THE ALLEY

Kid Blink walked down a street in Manhattan, heading towards the lodging house. What street? Even Blink did not know. Why bother with suck pointless details?

In any case, after a hard day of selling papers, running from evil people and randomly bursting into musical-numbers, Blink needed some rest.

Despite his tired state, he was happy. Cause why wouldn't a poor, orphan, one-eyed newsie be happy?

As he walked on, Blink sang a cheerful tune.

"The sky is blue

and all leaves are green.

The sun's as warm as a baked potato.

I think I know precisely what I mean,

when I say it's a shpadoinkle day!"

Blink stopped, wondering just why he had chosen to sing that song. It was evening after all, the sky was dark and there were no trees in sight. And what the hell was a "baked potato"?

Before Blink could reach a conclusion, a scream sounded out from a nearby alley. Now, being a New Yorker, Blink's first instinct was to ignore the scream. But as Blink started to move forward, the screaming continued and grew more louder and annoying.

"Oh please, stop! Somebody, help me!"

Blink moaned, he did not want a headache to ruin his marvellous evening. He turned on his heels and walked into the alley, determined to put and end to the damn screaming.

"Why don't you shut the hell up!" Blink hollered at the dark alley.

A shady figure ran past Blink, pushing him to the ground.

Blink gave the figure the best glare that one eye can deliver. "Hey, pushing people isn't okay!"

He stood up and brushed dust off his trousers. Just then, another figure stumbled out of the darkness.

Blink put up his fists. "Oh no, I ain't gonna be pushed around no more, so just forget about it!"

But this new figure made no attempt to push Blink in any way. On the contrary, after taking a few steps, the figure itself slumped to the ground.

Blink raised an eyebrow and examined the figure. He soon discovered that it was a girl, a stunningly beautiful one.

(One and a half page of description later)

The girl moaned with and angelic voice and turned to look up at Blink.

"Oh, thank you," she said. "Your heroic yelling saved me from that evil man."

Blink raised his eyebrow further.

The girl arouse from the ground, seemingly unharmed. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Miriam Giselle Starlight Odette Ariel Wordsworth, the Third, but you may call me Mary Sue."

Blink's eye widened. Now he knew why the situation had seemed so suspicious. He had heard stories of girls like her, and none of them were very original or good.

He started to back away. "Yeah, you're welcome. I gotta-"

"Wait! Aren't you going to ask me about my tragic past and offer to take me to your lodging house?"

"Uh... No. It's none my business and the lodging house is only for boys."

"But..." Mary Sue pleaded, her multicoloured eyes shimmering with tears. "I love you. Even though you're poor and only have one eye. I'm really very rich and I have magical healing powers that I can use to heal you."

"No thanks."

"Would it change things, if I told you that I'm the mayor's daughter?"

Blink rolled his eye and muttered, "I knew that that line would come and bite me in the ass one day."

"Beloved?"

Blink shook his head. "Spot made me say it." He then looked at Mary Sue. "Isn't the mayor's name Van Wyck, not Wordsworth?"

Mary Sue hesitated. "Um... Does that matter? I love you! Please, I want to have your babies!"

"You're nuts!"

Blink ran like there was no tomorrow. Behind him he could hear the anguished pleas and professions of eternal love. He had to get away, and fast.


	2. Revolutionary Songs

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Wow! Seven reviews (so far)! Thanks guys/gals! And yes, I am aware of most of the Mary Sue parodies out there (I love 'em all!). I'm trying hard not to copy anything from them. Let us hope that my personal sense of humor doesn't fail me.

The first song featured in this chapter is Red and Black from Les Miserables and the second one is Where Are You? from Spamalot (I'm tempted to feature other songs from that show later, we'll see).

CHAPTER 2- REVOLUTIONARY SONGS

While Blink was fleeing for his life and sanity, Jack Kelly, the "heroic" leader of the Manhattan newsies, was making a fiery speech, in the form of a song. Despite the fact that the strike was over, Jack still felt the need to sing songs about revolution.

"It is time for us all  
To decide who we are.  
Do we fight for the right  
To a night at the opera now?"

"Why would we wanna go to the opera?" Mush interrupted.

Jack glared at Mush and continued.

"Have you asked of yourselves  
What's the price you might pay?  
Is it simply a game  
For rich young boys to play?"

"But we ain't rich," Itey said. "We'se a bunch of angry kids with no money, remember?"

"You wanna do the singing around here, Itey? Go ahead!" Jack growled and sat down on a rickety chair, muttering about how no one appreciated his ideas.

Itey's eyes grew big. "Really? All I ever wanted to do was to SING!"

Suddenly music swelled up as Itey began to bellow out his long awaited solo.

"Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you, my-"

Just then Blink ran in, slamming the door behind him. With everybody's attention drawn to a more popular character, Itey sank away into the background.

"Blink, what happened to ya?" Mush was at his friends side, ready to throw away the concept of "private space" in a heartbeat.

Blink took a few gulps of air. "I was walking here when I met this crazy broad. I swear, she was trying to rape me or something!"

"Wait, did this happen in an alley?" Jack asked.

Blink nodded.

"Was she freakishly beautiful?" David asked.

Blink nodded.

"What was her name?" Mush asked.

"I can't remember, it was really long. She told me to call her-"

"Mary Sue?" most of the lodging house asked.

"Yeah. I thought it sounded kinda familiar."

"One of those jumped at me when I was at Grand Central," Jack said. "She tried to convince me that Sarah's actually evil."

"What! How dare anyone say that about my sister!" David shouted.

"Don't worry, Davey, I beat her senseless."

The rest of the newsies turned to look at Jack in shock.

Jack shrugged. "She badmouthed my girl."

"I met a Mary Sue on my way to Tibby's last week," Mush said. "She claimed to have amnesia and wanted me to bring her here. What kind of an idiot would want a total stranger to bring herself to place with roughly thirty young, horny guys?"

Soon everyone was relating their run-ins with various Mary Sues. Finally, the only one left was Crutchy.

Crutchy shook his head. "Never happened to me."

"You can count yourself lucky," Jack said.

"Oh yeah. Lucky me." Crutchy limped away, coughing up blood. He was having pneumonia again.

"That reminds me," Blink said as Mush led him to a nearby couch. "I don't see Race anywhere."

"You don't suppose..." Boots began.

Everyone turned their eyes towards a window.

"Oh God," David gasped. "He's out there somewhere, with all the Mary Sues."

On cue, the chair beneath Jack broke apart.


	3. A Case of CrossDressing in Brooklyn

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks for all the reviews again! It always makes me feel good to hear that I've managed to amuse people. Hopefully my inspiration doesn't fail me (it's been known to do that). Good thing I have a fairly good idea of what the few next chapters will include, but I'm also open for any suggestions. This chappy ended up being pretty short, but the next one should be longer (once it's done).

CHAPTER 3- A CASE OF CROSS-DRESSING IN BROOKLYN

Spot Conlon, leader of Brooklyn and all-around cute smart-ass pain-in-the-rear, walked around the dangerous streets of Brooklyn as if he owned the place. In his own megalomaniac mind he did own it. Of course, having a couple of large flunkies flanking him at all times helped to boost his notoriously high confidence.

As he sauntered onwards, thinking of new and clever things to say to anyone who would have the audacity to address him, a figure stepped before him. Spot eyed the masculinely clad, but oddly curvy individual, suspiciously. But before he could utter something wonderful and politically incorrect, the stranger shouted.

"Conlon, I challenge you!"

Spot gave the person a dry smile. "Sorry doll, I ain't-"

"I ain't no doll!"

Spot shook his head. "You'se obviously a girl!"

"I ain't!" the stranger screamed indignantly, brushing "his" golden locks away from "his" face.

Spot folded his arms. "Honestly. I know we Brooklinites are pretty, but none of us have breasts!"

"But... But... I'se wearing pants!"

"Here's a headline for ya: wearing pants doesn't make you a boy."

"I still challenge you!"

"Ya gotta be kidding me. I don't fight with girls, no matter how androgynous they are." Spot turned to his flunkies. "Joe, Bob, soak her."

The cross-dressing girl back away. "You can't do this to me, Spot! I love ya!"

"You and everyone else. Tell me something I don't know."

"Uh... I'se... I'se Jack's sister."

"Cowboy don't have a sister."

"I'm his long lost sister."

"If you was really his sister, you'd know his actual name."

"Uh..." the girl thought. "John?"

Spot blinked his eyes. "That's just pathetic. Guys, soak her."

Joe and Bob, two very dispensable characters, approached Jack's fake sister. As their fists came down towards her face, they were both miraculously thrown across the street.

Spot looked at his fallen flunkies in surprise and brandished his pimping cane. "You're gonna be sorry for that."

"You wouldn't harm me, would ya? You just said you wouldn't fight a girl."

"Well, if you'se won't be consistent, than neither will I." Spot charged forward.


	4. The Council

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Wrote this chapter in a bit of a hurry. Not sure how funny it is, but it had to be done for plot purposes.

CHAPTER 4- THE COUNCIL

In Manhattan's Newsie HQ, Jack was springing into action.

"Boots, Snitch go find Race!"

"What? Why us?" Snitch exclaimed.

"You're just doing this cause I'se black!" Boots shouted.

Jack looked flabbergasted. "I'm not!"

"Yes you are! I'se tired of you putting me down and I ain't going out there."

"When did I put you down?"

"Don't know, but I'm sure you have at some point."

Jack sighed. "Fine. Skittery, you go with Snitch."

"Why don't you go, Cowboy?" Skittery asked.

"Cause, I have to stay here and... Ya know? Lead."

Before anyone had a chance to question Jack's leadership, the front door opened and Spot slammed it shut behind him. Whispers of "It's Spot." "Why's he here?" "Who's his tailor?" went around the room as Spot straightened himself out.

"Why're you here Spot?"

"Can't a guy just drop by?"

"No."

"Okay, so I got attacked and needed a place to hide in."

Jack arched his brow at Spot's uncharacteristic honesty. "Couldn't ya hide out somewhere in Brooklyn?"

"My flunkies were dropping like flies, there was nowhere I could've hid."

"Who would attack you?"

"Some crazy, cross-dressing chick. She came outta nowhere and tried to pick a fight. When I fought back it was like I couldn't even touch her. Look at what she did to my pimping cane!" Spot held up his cane, it was broken in half.

Everyone in the room gasped. Spot's cane was like Excalibur, it could not be broken! The thought caused several of the background newsies to faint.

Jack stood up, his fist raised in the air. "We have to take action!"

"Yeah! Let's do research!" David stood up.

"Research?"

"Yes, we must dicern the quality of the resent strange events. I suggest we organize a full scale research into the subject of these "Mary Sues". We must discover their origins and hopefully their weakness. It would be rather unwise of us to jump into hasty conclusions and risk defeat at the lusty hands of these vixens."

The newsies looked at David, their undereducated brains attempting to make sense of all the big words and long sentences.

David rubbed his forehead. "We need to figure out exactly what we're dealing with."

"Oh!"

"It's just a bunch of crazy girls with too much liquor and morphine," Spot said.

"But where did they come from?" David asked.

Spot thought. "Well, there only one place in this city that would have girls even half that crazy or boozed up."

"You don't mean..." Jack had a haunted look in his eyes.

"What is it?" Les, who had magically popped up to ask the obvious question, asked.

Jack tried to smile at the child, no need to give him nightmares. "Nothing, Les."

"Okay." Les smirked, his curiosity was easily satisfied. Soon he saw something shiny and left the older boys to talk things through.

"Spot, you can't be serious," Jack hissed.

"Can you think of anywhere else, Cowboy? I don't like it anymore than ya do, but face the facts."

Blink leaned closer to Mush. "Are they talking about what I think they're talking about?"

"I'm afraid so." Mush shook his head. "We're doomed."

"Those girls can't from there, can they," Jack protested.

"We need to be sure," Spot said, gluing the two halves of his cane together.

"I guess so." Jack turned to his fellow Manhattan newsies. "Guys-"

"NO!" The whole lodging house shook from the sound waves created by the collective protest.

"None of us are going to do it!" Dutchy said.

"I'd rather just shoot myself!" Skittery said.

"We're not that crazy!" Mush said.

"I don't wanna end up blind, or dead!" Blink said.

"You're gonna have to do it yourself!" Snitch said.

Crutchy coughed and wheezed in agreement.

Jack looked at Spot, they were indeed doomed.


	5. Facing One Terror To Avoid The Other

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I should give people a fair warning, that the following chapter contains some macabre humour. Then again, no fate could be too gruesome for a Mary Sue. Oh, and there's an OC in this chapter (the horror!). Stab might show up in future chapters, at least if you guys want her to.

The song is Drink With Me from Les Miserables.

CHAPTER 5- FACING ONE TERROR TO AVOID THE OTHER

Jack and Spot exchanged hesitant glances. Neither of them were exactly sure if what they were about to do was, in fact they were both positive that it was a bad idea.

"You go first, Cowboy." Spot moved behind Jack, his grip tightening around the head of his cane.

"Me?" Jack squeaked. "Why me?"

"Cause... This is your turf."

Jack sighed, trying not to shiver too bad as he knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" A rough voice asked from within.

"Ja-" Jack cleared his throat. "Jack Kelly and Spot Conlon. We're here to see Stab."

"Ya got an appointment?"

"No, but it's really important."

The door creaked open and a dark figure motioned them to enter. Jack and Spot walked in. The room was barely any lighting in it, yet the two could see people standing and sitting along the walls. At the back of the room someone was sitting on a comfortable, cushioned chair.

"Well, well," that "someone" said. "Jack-Jack and Spot-Face."

"Evening, Stab." Spot replied uneasily.

A cigar was lighted, the flash of fire from the match revealing a wild bunch of hair and a scarred face. "What brings youse two here?"

"We... Uh..."

"Come on, boys," Stab laughed. "If I was gonna have ya two killed, you'd be dead. Good thing ya caught me in a good mood."

"We wanted to ask, if you've taken in any new girls lately," Jack said.

Stab Daniels, truly the most feared leader in newsie history, leaned back in her chair. "Why's that?"

"We've been having some... uh... problems," Spot said, looking out for any signs of aggression.

Stab grunted and blew smoke out of her mouth. "Ain't one of us. Unless you'se accusin' us of causing problems."

"No! No! It's not that. It's just that some new girls have been showing up."

"Haven't taken in any new girls in over a month. Not that there hasn't been offers. But they'se all been fussies. Took 'em all out back and gutted them, bunch of prissy little shits." Stab took a long drag of her cigar. "We've been eating a lotta steak lately."

At this comment the room erupted in loud guffaws. Jack and Spot looked at each other, their faces turning pale at the thought.

The girl newsies of New York were well known for being the most brutal and dangerous group to ever grace the city with its' presence. They sold an amazing amount of papers using the best marketing technique in the world, fear. Everyone feared them, the police, the Mafia... everyone. Jack and Spot were very familiar with what the girls were capable of. It was no rumour that Stab and many of her followers were cannibals, it was a proven fact.

"Okay. Now that that's been cleared up, I guess we'll just-" Jack began.

"Ain't ya gonna stay for a drink?" Stab smirked, waving a suspicious bottle in front of her face.

"We'd love to, but we gotta get back to our people."

Jack and Spot started to move towards the door. However they froze in fear as Stab stood up and walked to them.

"Ya wouldn't refuse an invitation from a lady, would ya?" She opened the bottle with her teeth and began to sing in a very convincing tenor.

"Drink with me to days gone by  
Sing with me the songs we knew"

One of the other girls got up, raising a bottle of her own.

"Here's to pretty girls who went to our heads."

Another girl made her way to Stab and kissed her.

"Here's to witty girls who went to out beds."

The room rang with the ensemble of every saphic newsie-girl.

"Here's to them and here's to you!"

Stab laughed and snaked her arms around Jack's and Spot's shoulders.

"Drink with me to days gone by  
Can it be you fear to die?  
Will the world remember you  
When you fall?  
Could it be your death  
Means nothing at all?  
Is your life just one more lie?"

All the girls joined in for the end of the song.

"Drink with me to days gone by  
To the life that used to be  
At the shrine of friendship, never say die  
Let the wine of friendship never run dry  
Here's to you and here's to me"

Spot whimpered, they were going to have killer hangovers tomorrow, if they were lucky enough to survive the infamous "newsie-girl moonshine".


	6. Parks Are Dangerous

AUTHOR'S NOTE: It took a bit longer for me to write this chappy, been busy and this one wasn't the easiest one to plan. To answer Purple Rhapsody's question: I'm not sure. I have plans (of sorts) to write three more chapters after this one. After that I fear I'll run out of ideas. I made a reference to the Marx Brothers in this chappy (I'm a fan), which almost makes sense. Hurray for "almost making sense"!

The song (not an easy pick) is Easy Street from Annie.

CHAPTER 6- PARKS ARE DANGEROUS

Racetrack was taking his sweet time to return to the lodging house, which David had (unbeknownst to Race) renamed "The Base of Operation". Racetrack could not have been more happier... Actually he could have, but that's a whole other story...

In any case, Fortune had smiled on Race that evening. He had won most of the his hands against an odd kid calling himself "Chico", funny enough guy but a worse gambler than Race. Race shrugged, at least he could come to the lodging house with all his clothes on, a situation that was not all that frequent.

As Racetrack walked through a park, he burst into song.

"I remember the way  
My sainted mother  
Would sit and croon me  
Her lullaby

She'd say, kid, there's a place  
That's like no other  
You got to get there before you die

You don't get there  
By playing from the rule book  
You stack the aces  
You load the dice

Mother dear  
Oh, I know you're down there listening --  
How can I follow  
Your sweet  
Advice  
To

Easy street  
Easy street  
Where you-"

Racetrack's song was cut short when someone ran into him. He threw the hit-and-collapse person off of himself and glared at the stranger.

The stranger stood up, her eyes darting around in fear. "Please, you have to hide me! Snyder's after me!"

"Warden Snyder? He's in jail, he ain't after anyone." Racetrack shook his.

The girl, who was of course insanely beautiful, gasped. "But Pulitzer broke him out of jail, because he wants to take revenge on my father through me!"

"Not that I'm interested," Racetrack yawned. "But who is your father?"

"I'm Roosevelt's illegitimate love child. My life has been a tortuous hell and now I'll be killed! Oh woe is me!"

"Right." Race could feel his eyes twitching from all the inanity.

"You have to help me!" The girl fell to her knees and latched onto Race's leg.

"Let go of me, you crazy cow!" Race shouted, trying to shake the persistent, but beautiful (let's not forget the beauty), girl off his leg.

"But I must become a newsie! It was the dying wish of my mother, before she was raped, and drowned, and shot, and beaten to death by Snyder before my eyes."

"Yeah, you and everyone else. Let go of my or I'll soak you!"

"You wouldn't! I'm too pretty!"

"So's Spot, but I'd still soak him if he was hanging on my leg."

Race began to kick the girl in the face, hoping that she would pass out and release her grip. Suddenly, he heard squeals of excitement. Turning around, Race saw a group of girls advancing on him.

"Holy crap! There's more of them!"

Race ran, he ran faster than the time Stab had caught him cheating in a game. Yes indeed, world records would be broken tonight.


	7. The Attack Begins

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Man, my Net went on the fritz for a while. Now that it's working once more (and because I'm almost done with my studies) I can get back to updating this delightful piece of comical tripe.

CHAPTER 7- THE ATTACK BEGINS

As Racetrack reached the street where the Base of Operation was located in, he was met up by a highly amusing sight. Two newsie-girls were pushing a wheelbarrow towards the lodging house's door. The before mentioned wheelbarrow containing the passed-out forms of Jack and Spot.

"What happened to them?" Race asked the newsie-girls.

No-Ears, so named due to the fact that she had lost both of her ears in a particularly bloody fight, looked at Race. "They'se couldn't handle our moonshine too well. Stab told us to take 'em home."

In the wheelbarrow Jack moaned and buried his face further into Spot's abdomen.

"I swear, you'se guys are gonna have a big mess to clean up when they wake up. They got so drunk they actually ate some of Stab's special soup," No-Ears chuckled.

Race shivered, he was aware of what was in Stab's "special soup". He hoped that Jack and Spot would not remember eating the macabre concoction. Just then a shrill squeal of delight sounded from behind him.

"Oh crap, they found me!"

"Who?" No-Ears asked.

"These crazy girls. They attacked me in the park."

No-Ear nodded her head knowingly. "Those must be the girls Jack-Jack and Spot-Face were talking about. You take these guys in and we'll keep the prissy little shits busy."

No-Ears and her companion took out their knives and left in the direction of the squeal. Racetrack sighed and proceeded to dump Jack and Spot out of the wheelbarrow.

"Come on, I ain't carrying you two in."

"Five more minutes," Jack replied.

"Snuggles," mumbled Spot.

Race growled and pounded his fist on the lodging house door.

"Not buying anything, so go away!" a disgruntled voice said.

"Skittery, open the damn door!"

As the door opened, Racetrack was met with the astonished faces of all the Manhattan newsies, at least all the ones that mattered.

"Race, thank God you're alright!" Crutchy managed to say before he collapsed on the floor. The epilepsy was acting up again.

"Why didn't Kloppman open the door?" Race asked, entering the Base of Operation.

Mush shrugged. "He disappeared. We suspect plot-purposes."

"Okay. Jack and Spot are outside."

"They're alive?" Snitch asked.

"Think so. Would anyone mind telling me why they went to see the girls?"

David looked up from a stack of books while a couple of anonymous background newsies did the job of dragging Jack and Spot inside. "I believe I may be able to shed some light on the matter."

Race sighed. "Someone other than him?"

"Blink got attacked in an alley earlier," Mush said.

"That's not surprising."

"Only this time it was a girl. Crazy broad said she was the mayor's daughter and tried to rape me!" Blink said.

Racetrack raised his eyebrow. "I just got attacked by some girl saying she was Roosevelt's love child."

"How did you manage to escape?" Les asked, his hero worshipping turned to Race while Jack was unconscious.

"Ran like hell."

"Wow!"

"Oh God..." a moan came from the couch.

Everyone turned to see Jack sit up, holding onto his head as if it was about to explode.

"Jack!" Les shouted with joy, his hero was back.

Jack grimaced. "Anybody catch the number on that carriage?"

David glanced up from his books again. "Somebody better get him a bucket."

Snitch retrieved the newsie-hangover-bucket from its usual place and handed it to Jack, who reacted by purging his stomach from Stab's soup.

"Did you find out anything, Jack?" Blink asked.

"Yeah, did the girls know anything about the Mary Sues?" Specs added, just so he'd get to have at least one line of dialogue.

Jack wiped his mouth. "Stab said they've been getting some suspicious girls coming over, but she butchered all of them for being annoying."

"So, we have to kill them?"

David cleared his throat. "No. According to the "Mary Sue Maleficarum" the Mary Sue cannot be slain by the object of her affection. Such an action would merely result in the Mary Sue reincarnating in a much more powerful divine form."

General silence ensued.

David sighed. "If we kill them, they'll just come back."

"Oh!"

"Jack, how did you and Spot end up like that?" Mush nudged his head at Spot, who had mistaken Boots for a pillow.

Jack tried to clear his head from the moonshine-enduced haze. "Well-"

But before Jack could begin his tale of boozing and observing the sapphic tendencies of the newsie-girls, a scream came from behind the door.

"OMG! This is like, the lodging house! OMG! You have to like, let me in. Cuzz I'm like, from the future and stuff."

"Yeah! And I'm like... from the future too!" another voice screamed.

"They've found us!" Snipeshooter said and began to run around in frantic circles.

"Quick, barricade the door!" David commanded.

"We don't know what a barricade is! We're so dead!" Bumlets promptly wet his pants.

"Put stuff in front of the door so they can't get in," David shouted.

"Oh!"

A hasty barricade, or "mount of stuff", was build, effectively blocking the squealing, screaming group of Mary Sues outside.

"This can't be good." Race shook his head.


	8. Siege and Solution

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is it kids, in this chapter we will find out the ultimate weapon against Mary Sues. Ooh, the excitement!

CHAPTER 8- SIEGE AND SOLUTION

It did not take long from the first wave of attack until things went from the so called "bad" to the so called "worse". The Base of Operation was surrounded by a teeming mass of unrealistically beautiful girls. Occasionally the hoard would attempt to get passed the barricade, but so far the newsies' defences had held.

Sarah had quickly organized a food-delivery system, bringing an endless supply of healthy, though highly inedible, soup through the sewers. Despite the countless pleas and threats from the newsies, Sarah had flat out refused to bring them any alcohol or cigarets. Somehow she had gotten it into her head that maybe it wasn't good for the boys to be constantly smoking and drinking. This had left many of the newsies crippled by serious symptoms withdrawal.

"Jack, you tell that girl of yours to get me some smokes!" Spot spat out, shivering from the lack of nicotine.

"I tried, she just gave me some soup and giggled."

Just as Spot was about to get his hands around Jack's neck, Snipeshooter returned from doing reconnoissance on the roof.

"How does it look?" Race asked.

"Bad." Snipeshooter produced a piece of paper. "There's a dozen or so Mayor's Daughters, thirty Long-lost Sisters, ten Future Girls, twenty four Rich Girls on The Run, at least fifty Cross-dressers. I'm not sure which of them have amnesia... uh... All in all there are well over a hundred of them out there. Denton was trying to get here, but they surrounded him and started to tell him about their tragic pasts."

"Poor Denton," Mush said.

"How could this possibly get any worse?" Skittery asked.

Snipeshooter sighed uneasily. "It can. The Mary Sues have a death warrant out on Sarah. If they find her, she's dead."

"What!" Jack and Les shouted in unison, David was too busy reading to care about her dear sister's life.

"They really hate her for some reason."

"But she's so nice, even if she doesn't get us any cigarettes or alcohol," Blink protested.

A muffled sound, resembling a moaning cat, came from outside.

"What are they doing now?" Spot rolled his eyes.

"Boots, can you go up to the roof and check?" Jack asked.

"Oh! So, just cause I'm black, I have to go out there?" Boots replied, waving his copy of the Emancipation Proclamation at Jack's face.

"Um..." Jack looked around, he did not want to go through this again. "Snitch, could you..."

"Yeah, I'll go."

Snitch went upstairs and opened the hatch that led to the roof. As he stuck his head out, a tidal wave of squeals nearly knocked him down.

"OMG! That's Snitch!" one of the Future Girls screamed.

Snitch raised his lip at the sight of numerous, badly written signs, sporting such phrases as "TAKE ME SPOT!" "I LUV U COWBOY!" "BLINK HOT CYCLOPS" "MUSH FOR PRESIDENT!". The Mary Sues were busy singing an out-of-tune rendition of "The World Will Know" while gyrating their hips in an inappropriate manner.

"Well, that explains the moaning."

"Help me! I'm drowning in the angst!" Denton cried out from beneath a mass of Mary Sues who were sobbing out of control, having remembered seeing their mother/father/sister/cousin/whatever killed/raped/sued before their shimmering, magical eyes.

"Try to hang on, okay?" Snitch shouted back, he had seen enough.

Snitch retreated back to the relative safety of the Base of Operation.

"What was the noise about?" Crutchy asked, he was sitting on the chamberpot, looking very uncomfortable. Somehow he had contracted syphylis.

"They were singing, one of our copyrighted songs."

"Those bastards!"

"They've gone too far!"

Shouts of rage and agreement went through the Base of Operation. Before the newsies could get into their heads to attack the Mary Sues, David stood up.

"Aha!" David shouted victoriously.

Everyone turned to watch the resident nerd.

"I have discovered the origin of the Mary Sue phenomena. The Mary Sue is primarily an embodiment of the Author's superego. The Author wishes to live out her twisted fantasies through an original character, for she is unable to find a suitable canon character, or is simply unwilling to use one. She then uses the evil arts of OCs to create a character who shares certain trades with herself and makes this character as appealing as possible. Unaware of the juvenile nature, inconsistency and plain bad character development, the Author believes that she has created the ultimate character, when in fact she has done nothing more than fulfilled her own desires, neglecting those of the readership."

"Uh... Did he say anything about how we can destroy them?" Dutchy asked Jack, who shrugged in blatant ignorance.

David gave the newsies a tired look. "I'm just getting to that. Now, since the fantasies of the Author, who we have now established as the original source of the Mary Sue, are often of the romantic persuasion a means of destroying the Mary Sue can be assumed of being romantic as well."

"Let me get this straight," Spot interrupted. "Are you saying we all need to get actual girlfriends?"

"Um... No. Unfortunately, the Mary Sue is a viscously jealous creature, she will find ways of discrediting any other female characters." Davis sighed and pulled up an old tome from his pile of books. "The Mary Sue Compendium states that the answer to the Mary Sues' demise is found in slash."

"We have to cut ourselves?"

"No! That is what "slash" means in this context. Slash refers to the romantic relationship of two individuals of the same gender. The Mary Sue has no method of fighting against slash, for she could not risk a flamewar with the infamous slash-shippers. Thus, our only way to defeat the Mary Sue hoard outside is to go slash."

"I still don't get it," Bumlets said.

David looked troubled. "I don't know how I should say this to you guys. We... we need to... um... We need to start doing what sailors and cowboys do in the dark."

"WHAT!"

"It's either that, or face the peril of the Mary Sues."


	9. The First Counterattack

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Boy, I thought that this would be the last chapter, but I was wrong. Turns out I'll have to stretch things more just to get everything into this story. Oh well, more story to read.

Rochwen, I'm sorry but given my busy schedule (and my extremely sensitive Mary Sue-radar I can't go anywhere near OCs these days) I can't check your story. There is one Newsies Mary Sue Litmus Test on the net that you might want to check out. Otherwise you have to trust your own judgement on the matter.

The song is "There Is More to Love" from Aspects of Love. I had a hard time picking the right song for this chappy and I'm still not sure if I made the right choice or not.

CHAPTER 9- THE FIRST COUNTERATTACK

"So..." Jack said, scratching the back of his neck. "How do we do this?"

"I deduce that we must prove our newfound amorous emotions to the Mary Sues with a public display of affection," David said.

"Huh?"

"We have to go up to the roof and make out with each other."

"Oh!"

"Um..." Itey raised his hands. "Does that include all of us?"

David leafed through a copy of the Mary Sue Grimoire. "Well, it would appear that only the major characters have to do that. Though I would suggest that minor characters with names kiss each other."

"What about Crutchy?" Swifty said. "He has leprosy."

"I don't think we need to worry about there being any Mary Sues out there for Crutchy," Jack said,just then something disgusting landed next to his feet.

"My leg!" Crutchy hopped on his good leg to retrieve his limb and proceeded to glue it back on.

"Which of us have to go to the roof then?" Snitch asked.

"According to my calculations-"

"When did you do any calculations?"

"That's irrelevant. Anyway, according to my calculations; Jack, Snitch, Spot, Blink, Skittery, Mush, Racetrack and me."

The newsies who were not mentioned sighed in relieve, while those mentioned looked at David in obvious horror and shock.

David shrugged in apology and stacked his books neatly, because un-neatly stacked books are a dangerous thing. "I suggest that we start figuring out who will go to the roof with who."

Some time later all the newsies had returned to fretting about the Mary Sues and their depleting supply of alcohol and cigarettes.

Mush shook his head. Blink had been pacing the floor in a steady circle and the floorboards were beginning to wear out, and Mush was getting seasick.

"Blink, sit down."

Blink looked up and made his way next to Mush. They sat in awkward silence until Mush found himself humming a song. Soon he was singing.

"äThere is more to love,  
So much more,  
Than simply making love --  
That's easy.

Gazing into eyes,  
Pretty eyes,  
Which could be any eyes --  
That's crazy."

Blink turned to Mush and began to sing.

"Hands are just hands,  
A face is just a face...  
They come and go --  
They're easy to replace...

There is more to love,  
So much more,  
Than moon-struck escapades --  
That's nothing."

Mush joined in with Blink and the two of them sang, slowly moving closer to each other.

"There is peace of mind,  
So much peace,  
In quiet company --  
That's something.

Everyone but you  
Seems wrong for me...  
Every time I feel  
There has to be  
More...

If I could hear  
The music I heard then,  
I'd never let  
It fade away again...

Now each time  
Love reaches out to me,  
I can only feel  
There has to be  
So much more  
To love...

There is more ot love,  
So much more..."

By the time they stopped singing, Blink and Mush were holding hands and gazing dreamily into each other's eyes. The other newsies were looking at them with a mix of confusion and boredom.

"I... I thought you had a thing for the mayor's daughter," Mush said.

Blink rolled his eye. "How many times to I have to say this? Spot made me say it, because "daughter" rhymed with "water". Right, Spot?" Blink called to Spot who was sitting on the couch on the other side of the room.

"Yeah, I did," Spot replied in great disinterest.

"There you have it," Blink said. "Besides, I thought you were girl-crazy."

"Ever stop to think that maybe I was trying to cover up my sexual confusion?"

Blink's eye widened. "Does that mean..."

Mush nodded. "Yeah."

Blink smiled. "Wanna go to roof and give those Mary Sues something to scream about?"

Mush smile back. "Nothing would make me happier."

The two ran up the stairs and climbed to the roof. The Mary Sues instantly noticed their objects of lust.

"It's Blink and Mush!"

"OH MY FRIGGIN' GOD!"

"I'm SO going to faint!"

"Just wait a minute before you go fainting," Blink said.

"Yeah!" Mush added. "We've got something to show you."

"OMG! What is it? LOL!" one of the Future-Girls screamed.

"This."

Mush pulled Blink in for a passionate kiss. The Mary Sues gasped as Blink ripped Mush's shirt apart and caressed his "Fab Abbs" while Mush removed Blink's patch. A scream worthy of any banshee went through the hoard and several Mary Sues fainted, some went hysterical and a few cried out in protest.

"No Mushy, you love ME!" a Runaway Rich Girl wept.

"Blink, please come to me! Not him!" the only Mayor's Daughter who was still conscious wailed.

The happy couple halted their face-sucking and gave the hoard a sideways glance.

"I think we've done enough," Blink commented.

"Agreed." Mush handed Blink his patch.

Blink returned the patch to its rightful place. To cover what exactly, one cannot say. For to reveal what is beneath Blink's patch would most likely destroy the world.

"So..." Blink said as the two retreated back into the Base of Operation. "All those times we hugged and snuggled, you weren't doing that just as a friend?"

"Nope," Mush replied. "And you weren't so keen on sharing a glass with me and patting my stomach just because we're friends?"

"You're a great friend, but I'd like you better as a lover. And you have a good tummy to pat." Blink laid his hand around Mush's waist and adorable snuggling ensued.


End file.
